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The Way I Used to Be Hardcover – March 22, 2016

4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 14,781 ratings

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A New York Times bestseller!

In the tradition of
Speak, this extraordinary debut novel shares the unforgettable story of a young woman as she struggles to find strength in the aftermath of an assault.

Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes.

What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.

Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, of friendships broken and rebuilt, and while learning to embrace a power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“This young adult novel is an unflinching look at the struggles of a rape victim to process her trauma and find the strength to rebuild her life.” -- Laurie Halse Anderson, New York Times bestselling and award-winning author of Speak and Shout

"A poignant and painfully honest survival story about the aftermath of trauma. Amber Smith weaves Eden's narrative with a deft, empathetic touch that doesn't shy away from difficult truths. This is a courageous, necessary, and beautiful book."

-- Kathleen Glasgow, author of
Girl in Pieces, The Agathas, and How to Make Friends With the Dark

"
The Way I Used to Be explores the aftermath of sexual assault with a precision and searing honesty that is often terrifying, sometimes eerily beautiful, and always completely true. It is The Hero's Journey through a distorted circus mirror--one girl's quest to turn desperation into courage, to become a survivor instead of a victim. Amber Smith gets it exactly right." -- Amy Reed, author of BEAUTIFUL and CLEAN

STARRED REVIEW “This is a poignant book that realistically looks at the lasting effects of trauma on love, relationships, and life….Teens will be reminded of Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak. VERDICT An important addition for every collection.” ― School Library Journal

“A difficult, painful journey, but teens who have experienced rape and abuse will be grateful for this unvarnished and ultimately hopeful portrait. Eden’s shell-shocked narrative is an excellent narrative conduit for what Smith has to say.” -- Booklist ―
February 1, 2016

"Readers will root for her as she gathers the courage, at last, to speak up." ―
B&N Teen blog

"
The Way I Used To Be is an intensely gripping and raw look at secrets, silence, speaking out, and survival in the aftermath of a sexual assault. A must-have for every collection that serves teens." ― SLJ / Teen Librarian Toolbox

“Edy’s exploration of the meaning of sexuality and intimacy will be thought provoking for teen readers of various experience levels, and this title is likely to find space alongside [Laurie Halse] Anderson’s
Speak." BCCB

“A heart-twisting, but ultimately hopeful, exploration of how pain can lead to strength.” ―
The Boston Globe

About the Author

Amber Smith is the New York Times, USA TODAY, and internationally bestselling author of the young adult novels The Way I Used to Be, The Last to Let Go, Something Like Gravity, and The Way I Am Now. An advocate for increased awareness of gendered violence and LGBTQIA+ equality, she writes in the hope that her books can help foster change and spark dialogue. She lives in Ithaca, New York, with her wife and coauthor, Sam Gellar, and their ever-growing family of rescued dogs and cats. You can find her online at AmberSmithAuthor.com.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1481449354
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Margaret K. McElderry Books; First Edition (March 22, 2016)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 384 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781481449359
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1481449359
  • Reading age ‏ : ‎ 14 years and up
  • Lexile measure ‏ : ‎ HL640L
  • Grade level ‏ : ‎ 9 - 12
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 1.2 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 14,781 ratings

About the author

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Amber Smith
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Amber Smith is the New York Times, USA Today, and internationally bestselling author of the young adult novels The Way I Used to Be, The Way I Am Now, The Last to Let Go, and Something Like Gravity. Along with her middle-grade debut, Code Name: Serendipity, she also contributed to the award-winning YA anthology, Our Stories, Our Voices. As an advocate for increased awareness of mental health, gendered violence, and LGBTQIA+ equality, she writes in the hope that her books can help foster change and spark dialogue. She lives in Ithaca, New York, with her wife and their ever-growing family of rescued dogs and cats.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
14,781 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book engaging and well-written. They describe the emotional content as powerful and heartbreaking. Readers praise the realistic, relatable storyline that feels truthful and honest. The author thoughtfully and delicately addresses sensitive topics in a mature and realistic way. The characters are complex and fun.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

356 customers mention "Readability"353 positive3 negative

Customers find the book engaging and meaningful. They describe it as an essential read for anyone seeking understanding. The series is described as excellent, eye-opening, and memorable. However, some readers find some parts triggering.

"...I think this is a book that everyone should read, if not for the chance to better understand the thought process and actions of a survivor, then for..." Read more

"...All-in-all, the book was very good. It hits you in the heart and makes you really care about the characters." Read more

"Perfect!!" Read more

"This book made me cry and feel so many emotions. Truly a great book to read!" Read more

158 customers mention "Emotional content"129 positive29 negative

Customers find the book gripping and emotional. They say it truly encapsulates trauma and how it shapes individuals. The writing is powerful and you feel the characters' pain. Readers describe the book as a powerful testament to the complexities of healing. However, it gives hope that you're not alone.

"...It was eye-opening and painful because so much of the aftermath is just silent suffering...." Read more

"...I personally felt the main characters pain and understood her actions. Looking forward to the 2nd book." Read more

"This book made me cry and feel so many emotions. Truly a great book to read!" Read more

"...her survival, "The Way I Used to Be" serves as a powerful testament to the complexities of healing, making it an essential read for anyone seeking..." Read more

145 customers mention "Writing quality"117 positive28 negative

Customers find the writing quality of the book good. They say it's well-written, relatable, and easy to read. Readers appreciate the author's skill in explaining thought processes and emotions. Overall, they describe the book as meaningful and heartwarming.

"...actions of a survivor, then for the simple pleasure of reading a well-written, heartwrenching story with a brave and resilient main character." Read more

"...I personally felt the main characters pain and understood her actions. Looking forward to the 2nd book." Read more

"Very well written book, it pulled me in from the very beginning and I stayed up all night to finish it...." Read more

""The Way I Used to Be" by Amber Smith is a poignant and powerful exploration of trauma and recovery through the eyes of a young woman named Eden...." Read more

101 customers mention "Story quality"79 positive22 negative

Customers praise the story for its relatability, beautiful storyline, and thought-provoking content. They find it gripping and important, shedding light on hopelessness and how one action can spiral out of control. The story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with crushing feelings of hopelessness. Readers appreciate the author's storytelling ability and find the book to be an intense and believable YA novel.

"...Her story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with the crushing pain of being hurt in the worst way by someone she trusted...." Read more

"...The ending was fine, it was just really abrupt and left a lot of questions unanswered. All-in-all, the book was very good...." Read more

"...It’s a story of hopelessness and how easily things can spiral by a single action...." Read more

"...The rape stole her innocence. This is a gripping story of a young girl’s plunge into the depths of darkness and despair then the eventual rising out..." Read more

47 customers mention "Realistic"36 positive11 negative

Customers find the book realistic and relatable. They appreciate the honest account of events, raw emotion, and detail that make you feel Eden's pain. The book depicts the way life feels after someone takes advantage of you.

"...but I felt that the love interest was written in appropriately and realistically for someone who’s experienced trauma...." Read more

"What a great story. I felt hurt for everyone involved. Finally the truth prevails. This is worth the read. Can be a little difficult but worth it." Read more

"...The book was a little longer than expected but shows with accuracy what someone that has been sexually abused goes through...." Read more

"...Not real. Not real. Not real. That's what I keep thinking: NotRealNotRealNotReal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a mantra. Like a prayer...." Read more

43 customers mention "Sensitivity"33 positive10 negative

Customers appreciate the book's sensitivity. They find the storyline realistic and relatable, with sensitive topics handled thoughtfully. The book opens their eyes to the truth about rape and how it affects others.

"...The book takes us through each year, through the wonderful people she met and could have been or stayed friends with, nice boyfriends she could have..." Read more

"Very eye opening reading the book. It was very much so in depth with the reading." Read more

"...I don’t really see a lot of people reading this. It’s very deep and triggering for some readers...." Read more

"...I felt everything the characters felt. I was heartbroken, angry, frustrated, I felt betrayed and astonished. I just.. so many tears were shed...." Read more

26 customers mention "Character development"22 positive4 negative

Customers enjoy the complex and relatable characters in the book. They find the story portrayal of a sad story excellent. The emotional connection to the characters and story is well-written, making it easy for readers to feel what the characters experience.

"...It hits you in the heart and makes you really care about the characters." Read more

"...Read in a day, loved the characters development!" Read more

"...The scenes were so vivid, the characters so completely real. I think it might be another lifetime before I feel this way about a book again...." Read more

"...eden is such a beautifully developed character. the writing really hits deep and you feel her agony...." Read more

22 customers mention "Pace"11 positive11 negative

Customers have different views on the book's pace. Some find it engaging and realistic, getting to the point quickly. Others feel the pacing is slow or rushed, with little closure.

"I enjoyed the pace if the book, it was hard to read in some points, but I made it through...." Read more

"...However, it gives hope you’re not alone. Starts off a little slow in my opinion , but I loved the ending." Read more

"...It gets straight to the point immediately. If you don’t like sad books I probably wouldn’t recommend this, but I thought it was amazing." Read more

"...Im not sure if I was just in a reading slump but it was very slow and took me some time to read...." Read more

Corner bent
4 out of 5 stars
Corner bent
Arrived bent from a corner🙄 other than that it’s good, haven’t started reading it yet but I can already tell it’s a good book.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2021
    I've read countless books, both for work and pleasure. After a while, the plots and characters start to run together, and the stories I'm reading now become no more memorable than the last. The Way I Used to Be is one of the few books that stand apart from the rest.

    The story follows Eden, a sexual assault survivor who just started high school. Her story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with the crushing pain of being hurt in the worst way by someone she trusted. We watch as she struggles to come to grips with what happened. I read this book when I was the same age as the main character, and my heart still hurts when I think back on that time. As a reader, I'm careful of books like this because they can leave me feeling drained and empty. I was both by the time I finished, but I also felt so much more. It's weird and rare for me to feel proud of a fictional character, but that's what I was. Eden was so well-written. She felt like a friend I'd known my whole life, or maybe even a part of myself, and when she hurt, I hurt. What happens to her and the aftermath of it was hard to read but so worth reading.

    As a woman, I've grown up on the cautionary tales of sexual abuse. Where to spot it, how to avoid it, what to do after. Most of my knowledge of sexual assault comes firsthand from friends and family who've experienced it. With this comes ingrained hyperawareness and the naive thought that, despite having never experienced it myself, I understood it. But nothing compares to being inside the head of someone who has lived it. There is so much more that goes on than I could've ever imagined. It was eye-opening and painful because so much of the aftermath is just silent suffering. I can't help but think back to the countless stories I've heard and wonder what parts my friends sugar-coated, or left out completely, for my benefit. It hurts to know that there is nothing I could do for the pain I couldn't see. Though I emphasized with Eden the most, I also felt for her friends and family, because I have played that role before, and I can only hope that I was there for them when they needed me.

    I think this is a book that everyone should read, if not for the chance to better understand the thought process and actions of a survivor, then for the simple pleasure of reading a well-written, heartwrenching story with a brave and resilient main character.
    7 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2023
    Slight/minor spoilers.

    This book is just...it's just everything. I felt everything the characters felt. I was heartbroken, angry, frustrated, I felt betrayed and astonished. I just.. so many tears were shed. I texted my niece multiple time to tell her what I was feeling. She recommended the book, so I felt it was only fair to share the journey with her as I read it.

    Eden is such an impactful character. She goes from a 14 year old bright, shinning, happy young girl to a young woman looking for a way to free herself. Her path was tumultuous and heartbreaking. Each part of the story takes her one step further down a dark road. Seh breaks my heart so many times while simultaneously frustrating me with the decisions she makes. She hurt so many people, but no one more than herself. However, she find her redemption, her key to freedom, and she finds the strength to grab it with both hands, even while those hands were trembling with worry and doubt.

    I'm glad that she was able to reunite with her brother and clear the air with Amanda, but I'm sad that the book ended before it showed whether she was able to make amends with Stephen, Mara and even Cameron. I would have at least like to see her and Mara reunite. I also would have liked to read about Kevin getting what he deserved. Maybe an epilouge that showed many months/years into the future for a quick update on everyone. Perhaps Mara and Cameron stayed together and maybe Eden and Josh could have found their way back to one another. The ending was fine, it was just really abrupt and left a lot of questions unanswered.

    All-in-all, the book was very good. It hits you in the heart and makes you really care about the characters.
    9 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 16, 2025
    I enjoyed it, however it has triggers some might want to avoid. I personally felt the main characters pain and understood her actions. Looking forward to the 2nd book.
  • Reviewed in the United States on February 7, 2025
    Perfect!!
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 1, 2025
    This book made me cry and feel so many emotions. Truly a great book to read!
    2 people found this helpful
    Report

Top reviews from other countries

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  • Sofi
    5.0 out of 5 stars 👍🏼👍🏼
    Reviewed in Mexico on February 22, 2024
    Muy buen libro, pero me hizo llorar mucho!!
  • Leanne
    5.0 out of 5 stars The battle within one self..
    Reviewed in Canada on February 20, 2023
    Told throughout the different stages of her teenage life, this story brought an immense sense of real/raw emotion. The author was able to create the best possible narrative of the moments throughout the story. As the reader, you were able to understand, envision and FEEL the rollercoaster of emotions. At times I wanted to close the book, throw it but during these times , it’s when you felt the characters heartache, confusion, hurt and more hurt.. the most. I think this novel was steady throughout. Not leaving any questions unanswered (as the story wasn’t about the repercussions ‘per say’) but rather about Eden coming forward; being able to come forward. Definitely a good read. 8.5/10 ⭐️
  • Selvi D'Souza
    5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book
    Reviewed in India on February 17, 2025
    Totally recommend!!
    Customer image
    Selvi D'Souza
    5.0 out of 5 stars
    Amazing book

    Reviewed in India on February 17, 2025
    Totally recommend!!
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  • Martyna
    5.0 out of 5 stars Emotional read
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 14, 2024
    Incredibly written and covers a very difficult topic.
  • Eylül Özbek
    1.0 out of 5 stars Do not buy this book. ‼️‼️‼️
    Reviewed in Turkey on August 7, 2024
    I only could have read 100 pages. I couldn’t finish it.