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The Way I Used to Be Hardcover – March 22, 2016
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In the tradition of Speak, this extraordinary debut novel shares the unforgettable story of a young woman as she struggles to find strength in the aftermath of an assault.
Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes.
What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.
Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, of friendships broken and rebuilt, and while learning to embrace a power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart.
- Print length384 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherMargaret K. McElderry Books
- Publication dateMarch 22, 2016
- Grade level9 - 12
- Reading age14 years and up
- Dimensions5.5 x 1.2 x 8.25 inches
- ISBN-109781481449359
- ISBN-13978-1481449359
- Lexile measureHL640L
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From the Publisher
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Editorial Reviews
Review
"A poignant and painfully honest survival story about the aftermath of trauma. Amber Smith weaves Eden's narrative with a deft, empathetic touch that doesn't shy away from difficult truths. This is a courageous, necessary, and beautiful book."
-- Kathleen Glasgow, author of Girl in Pieces, The Agathas, and How to Make Friends With the Dark
"The Way I Used to Be explores the aftermath of sexual assault with a precision and searing honesty that is often terrifying, sometimes eerily beautiful, and always completely true. It is The Hero's Journey through a distorted circus mirror--one girl's quest to turn desperation into courage, to become a survivor instead of a victim. Amber Smith gets it exactly right." -- Amy Reed, author of BEAUTIFUL and CLEAN
STARRED REVIEW “This is a poignant book that realistically looks at the lasting effects of trauma on love, relationships, and life….Teens will be reminded of Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak. VERDICT An important addition for every collection.” ― School Library Journal
“A difficult, painful journey, but teens who have experienced rape and abuse will be grateful for this unvarnished and ultimately hopeful portrait. Eden’s shell-shocked narrative is an excellent narrative conduit for what Smith has to say.” -- Booklist ― February 1, 2016
"Readers will root for her as she gathers the courage, at last, to speak up." ― B&N Teen blog
"The Way I Used To Be is an intensely gripping and raw look at secrets, silence, speaking out, and survival in the aftermath of a sexual assault. A must-have for every collection that serves teens." ― SLJ / Teen Librarian Toolbox
“Edy’s exploration of the meaning of sexuality and intimacy will be thought provoking for teen readers of various experience levels, and this title is likely to find space alongside [Laurie Halse] Anderson’s Speak." ― BCCB
“A heart-twisting, but ultimately hopeful, exploration of how pain can lead to strength.” ― The Boston Globe
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
I DON’T KNOW A LOT of things. I don’t know why I didn’t hear the door click shut. Why I didn’t lock the damn door to begin with. Or why it didn’t register that something was wrong—so mercilessly wrong—when I felt the mattress shift under his weight. Why I didn’t scream when I opened my eyes and saw him crawling between my sheets. Or why I didn’t try to fight him when I still stood a chance.
I don’t know how long I lay there afterward, telling myself: Squeeze your eyelids shut, try, just try to forget. Try to ignore all the things that didn’t feel right, all the things that felt like they would never feel right again. Ignore the taste in your mouth, the sticky dampness of the sheets, the fire radiating through your thighs, the nauseating pain—this bulletlike thing that ripped through you and got lodged in your gut somehow. No, can’t cry. Because there’s nothing to cry about. Because it was just a dream, a bad dream—a nightmare. Not real. Not real. Not real. That’s what I keep thinking: NotRealNotRealNotReal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a mantra. Like a prayer.
I don’t know that these images flashing through my mind—a movie of someone else, somewhere else—will never really go away, will never ever stop playing, will never stop haunting me. I close my eyes again, but it’s all I can see, all I can feel, all I can hear: his skin, his arms, his legs, his hands too strong, his breath on me, muscles stretching, bones cracking, body breaking, me getting weaker, fading. These things—it’s all there is.
I don’t know how many hours pass before I awake to the usual Sunday morning clamor—pots and pans clanging against the stove. Food smells seeping under my door—bacon, pancakes, Mom’s coffee. TV sounds—cold fronts and storm systems moving through the area by midday—Dad’s weather channel. Dishwasher-running sounds. Yippy yappy dog across the street yips and yaps at probably nothing, as always. And then there’s the almost imperceptible rhythm of a basketball bouncing against the dewy blacktop and the squeaky-sneaker shuffling of feet in the driveway. Our stupid, sleepy suburbia, like every other stupid, sleepy suburbia, awakens groggy, indifferent to its own inconsequence, collectively wishing for one more Saturday and dreading chores and church and to-do lists and Monday morning. Life just goes, just happens, continuing as always. Normal. And I can’t shake the knowledge that life will just keep on happening, regardless if I wake up or not. Obscenely normal.
I don’t know, as I force my eyes open, that the lies are already in motion. I try to swallow. But my throat’s raw. Feels like strep, I tell myself. I must be sick, that’s all. Must have a fever. I’m delirious. Not thinking clearly. I touch my lips. They sting. And my tongue tastes blood. But no, it couldn’t have been. Not real. So as I stare at the ceiling, I’m thinking: I must have serious issues if I’m dreaming stuff like that. Horrible stuff like that. About Kevin. Kevin. Because Kevin is my brother’s best friend, practically my brother. My parents love him like everyone does, even me, and Kevin would never—could never. Not possible. But then I try to move my legs to stand. They’re so sore—no, broken feeling. And my jaw aches like a mouthful of cavities.
I close my eyes again. Take a deep breath. Reach down and touch my body. No underwear. I sit up too fast and my bones wail like I’m an old person. I’m scared to look. But there they are: my days-of-the-week underwear in a ball on the floor. They were my Tuesdays, even though it was Saturday, because, well, who would ever know anyway? That’s what I was thinking when I put them on yesterday. And now I know, for sure, it happened. It actually happened. And this pain in the center of my body, the depths of my insides, restarts its torture as if on cue. I throw the covers off. Kneecap-shaped bruises line my arms, my hips, my thighs. And the blood—on the sheets, the comforter, my legs.
But this was supposed to be an ordinary Sunday.
I was supposed to get up, get dressed, and sit down to breakfast with my family. Then after breakfast, I would promptly go to my bedroom and finish any homework I hadn’t finished Friday night, sure to pay special attention to geometry. I would practice that new song we learned in band, call my best friend, Mara, maybe go to her house later, and do dozens of other stupid, meaningless tasks.
But that’s not what’s going to happen today, I know, as I sit in my bed, staring at my stained skin in disbelief, my hand shaking as I press it against my mouth.
Two knocks on my bedroom door. I jump.
“Edy, you up?” My mother’s voice shouts. I open my mouth, but it feels like someone poured hydrochloric acid down my throat and I might never be able to speak again. Knock, knock, knock: “Eden, breakfast!” I quickly pull my nightgown down as far as it will go, but there’s blood smeared on that, too.
“Mom?” I finally call back, my voice scratchy and horrible.
She cracks the door open. As she peers in her eyes immediately go to the blood. “Oh God,” she gasps, as she slips inside and quickly shuts the door behind her.
“Mom, I—” But how am I supposed say the words, the worst words, the ones I know have to be spoken?
“Oh, Edy.” She sighs, turning her head at me with a sad smile. “It’s okay.”
“Wh—” I start to say. How can it be okay, in what world is this okay?
“This happens sometimes when you’re not expecting it.” She flits around my room, tidying up, barely looking at me while she explains about periods and calendars and counting the days. “It happens to everyone. That’s why I told you, you need to keep track. That way you won’t have to deal with these… surprises. You can be… prepared.”
This is what she thinks this is.
Now, I’ve seen enough TV movies to know you’re supposed to tell. You’re just supposed to fucking tell. “But—”
“Why don’t you hop in the shower, sweetie?” she interrupts. “I’ll take care of this… uh…,” she begins, gesturing with her arm in a wide circle over my bed, searching for the word, “this mess.”
This mess. Oh God, it’s now or never. Now or never. It’s now. “Mom—” I try again.
“Don’t be embarrassed,” she says with a laugh. “It’s fine, really, I promise.” She stands over me, looking taller than she ever has before, handing me my robe, oblivious of my Tuesday underwear crumpled at her feet.
“Mom, Kevin—” I start, but his name in my mouth makes me want to throw up.
“Don’t worry, Edy. He’s out back with your brother. They’re playing basketball. And your father’s glued to the TV, as usual. Nobody’ll see you. Go ahead. Put this on.”
Looking up at her, I feel so small. And Kevin’s voice moves like a tornado through my mind, whispering—his breath on my face—No one will ever believe you. You know that. No one. Not ever.
Then my mom shakes the robe at me, offering me a lie I didn’t even need to think up. She starts getting that look in her eye—that impatient, it’s-the-holidays-and-I-don’t-have-time-for-this look. Clearly, it was time for me to get going so she could deal with this mess. And clearly, nobody was going to hear me. Nobody was going to see me—he knew that. He had been around long enough to know how things work here.
I try to stand without looking like everything is broken. I kick the Tuesdays under the bed so she won’t find them and wonder. I take my robe. Take the lie. And as I look back at my mother, watching her collect the soiled sheets in her arms—the evidence—I know somehow if it’s not now, it has to be never. Because he was right, no one would ever believe me. Of course they wouldn’t. Not ever.
In the bathroom, I carefully peel off my nightgown, holding it at arm’s length as I ball it up and stuff it in the garbage can under the sink. I adjust my glasses and examine myself more closely. There are a few faint marks on my throat in the shape of his fingers. But they’re minor, really, in comparison to the ones on my body. No bruises on my face. Only the two-inch scar above my left eye from my bike accident two summers ago. My hair is slightly more disastrous than usual, but essentially I look the same—I can pass.
By the time I get out of the shower—still dirty, after scrubbing my body raw, thinking I could maybe wash the bruises off—there he is. Sitting at my kitchen table in my dining room with my brother, my father, my mother, sipping my orange juice from my glass—his mouth on a glass I would have to use someday. On a fork that would soon be undifferentiated from all the other forks. His fingerprints not only all over every inch of me, but all over everything: this house, my life, the world—infected with him.
Caelin raises his head and narrows his eyes at me as I cautiously approach the dining room. He can see it. I knew he would see it right away. If anyone was going to notice—if I could count on anyone—it would be my big brother. “Okay, you’re being really weird and intense right now,” he announces. He could tell because he always knew me even better than I knew myself.
So I stand there and wait for him to do something about this. For him to set his fork down, stand up and pull me aside, take me out to the backyard by the arm, and demand to know what’s wrong with me, demand to know what happened. Then I’d tell him what Kevin did to me and he’d give me one of his big brother-isms, like, Don’t worry, Edy, I’ll take care of it. The way he did whenever anyone was picking on me. And then he’d run back inside the house and stab Kevin to death with his own butter knife.
But that’s not what happens.
What happens is he just sits there. Watching me. Then slowly his mouth contorts into one of his smirks—our inside-joke grin—waiting for me to reciprocate, to give him a sign, or just start laughing like maybe I’m trying to secretly make fun of our parents. He’s waiting to get it. But he doesn’t get it. So he just shrugs, looks back down at his plate, and lops off a big slice of pancake. The bullet lodges itself a little deeper in my stomach as I stand there, frozen in the hallway.
“Seriously, what are you staring at?” he mumbles with his mouth full of pancake, in that familiar brotherly, you’re-the-stupidest-person-on-the-face-of-the-earth tone he had perfected over the years.
Meanwhile, Kevin barely even glances up. No threatening looks. No gestures of warning, nothing. As if nothing had even happened. The same cool disregard he always used with me. Like I’m still just Caelin’s dorky little sister with bad hair and freckles, freshman band-geek nobody, tagging along behind them, clarinet case in tow. But I’m not her anymore. I don’t even want to be her anymore. That girl who was so naive and stupid—the kind of girl who could let something like this happen to her.
“Come on, Minnie,” Dad says to me, using my pet name. Minnie as in Mouse, because I was so quiet. He gestured at the food on the table. “Sit down. Everything’s getting cold.”
As I stand in front of them—their Mousegirl—crooked glasses sliding down the bridge of my nose, stripped before eight scrutinizing eyes waiting for me to play my part, I finally realize what it’s all been about. The previous fourteen years had merely been dress rehearsal, preparation for knowing how to properly shut up now. And Kevin had told me, with his lips almost touching mine he whispered the words: You’re gonna keep your mouth shut. Last night it was an order, a command, but today it’s just the truth.
I push my glasses up. And with a sickness in my stomach—something like stage fright—I move slowly, cautiously. Try to act like every part of my body, inside and out, isn’t throbbing and pulsing. I sit down in the seat next to Kevin like I had at countless family meals. Because we considered him part of our family, Mom was always saying it, over and over. He was always welcome. Always.
Product details
- ASIN : 1481449354
- Publisher : Margaret K. McElderry Books; First Edition (March 22, 2016)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 384 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9781481449359
- ISBN-13 : 978-1481449359
- Reading age : 14 years and up
- Lexile measure : HL640L
- Grade level : 9 - 12
- Item Weight : 1 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 1.2 x 8.25 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #99,042 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author
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Amber Smith is the New York Times, USA Today, and internationally bestselling author of the young adult novels The Way I Used to Be, The Way I Am Now, The Last to Let Go, and Something Like Gravity. Along with her middle-grade debut, Code Name: Serendipity, she also contributed to the award-winning YA anthology, Our Stories, Our Voices. As an advocate for increased awareness of mental health, gendered violence, and LGBTQIA+ equality, she writes in the hope that her books can help foster change and spark dialogue. She lives in Ithaca, New York, with her wife and their ever-growing family of rescued dogs and cats.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book engaging and well-written. They describe the emotional content as powerful and heartbreaking. Readers praise the realistic, relatable storyline that feels truthful and honest. The author thoughtfully and delicately addresses sensitive topics in a mature and realistic way. The characters are complex and fun.
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Customers find the book engaging and meaningful. They describe it as an essential read for anyone seeking understanding. The series is described as excellent, eye-opening, and memorable. However, some readers find some parts triggering.
"...I think this is a book that everyone should read, if not for the chance to better understand the thought process and actions of a survivor, then for..." Read more
"...All-in-all, the book was very good. It hits you in the heart and makes you really care about the characters." Read more
"Perfect!!" Read more
"This book made me cry and feel so many emotions. Truly a great book to read!" Read more
Customers find the book gripping and emotional. They say it truly encapsulates trauma and how it shapes individuals. The writing is powerful and you feel the characters' pain. Readers describe the book as a powerful testament to the complexities of healing. However, it gives hope that you're not alone.
"...It was eye-opening and painful because so much of the aftermath is just silent suffering...." Read more
"...I personally felt the main characters pain and understood her actions. Looking forward to the 2nd book." Read more
"This book made me cry and feel so many emotions. Truly a great book to read!" Read more
"...her survival, "The Way I Used to Be" serves as a powerful testament to the complexities of healing, making it an essential read for anyone seeking..." Read more
Customers find the writing quality of the book good. They say it's well-written, relatable, and easy to read. Readers appreciate the author's skill in explaining thought processes and emotions. Overall, they describe the book as meaningful and heartwarming.
"...actions of a survivor, then for the simple pleasure of reading a well-written, heartwrenching story with a brave and resilient main character." Read more
"...I personally felt the main characters pain and understood her actions. Looking forward to the 2nd book." Read more
"Very well written book, it pulled me in from the very beginning and I stayed up all night to finish it...." Read more
""The Way I Used to Be" by Amber Smith is a poignant and powerful exploration of trauma and recovery through the eyes of a young woman named Eden...." Read more
Customers praise the story for its relatability, beautiful storyline, and thought-provoking content. They find it gripping and important, shedding light on hopelessness and how one action can spiral out of control. The story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with crushing feelings of hopelessness. Readers appreciate the author's storytelling ability and find the book to be an intense and believable YA novel.
"...Her story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with the crushing pain of being hurt in the worst way by someone she trusted...." Read more
"...The ending was fine, it was just really abrupt and left a lot of questions unanswered. All-in-all, the book was very good...." Read more
"...It’s a story of hopelessness and how easily things can spiral by a single action...." Read more
"...The rape stole her innocence. This is a gripping story of a young girl’s plunge into the depths of darkness and despair then the eventual rising out..." Read more
Customers find the book realistic and relatable. They appreciate the honest account of events, raw emotion, and detail that make you feel Eden's pain. The book depicts the way life feels after someone takes advantage of you.
"...but I felt that the love interest was written in appropriately and realistically for someone who’s experienced trauma...." Read more
"What a great story. I felt hurt for everyone involved. Finally the truth prevails. This is worth the read. Can be a little difficult but worth it." Read more
"...The book was a little longer than expected but shows with accuracy what someone that has been sexually abused goes through...." Read more
"...Not real. Not real. Not real. That's what I keep thinking: NotRealNotRealNotReal. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a mantra. Like a prayer...." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's sensitivity. They find the storyline realistic and relatable, with sensitive topics handled thoughtfully. The book opens their eyes to the truth about rape and how it affects others.
"...The book takes us through each year, through the wonderful people she met and could have been or stayed friends with, nice boyfriends she could have..." Read more
"Very eye opening reading the book. It was very much so in depth with the reading." Read more
"...I don’t really see a lot of people reading this. It’s very deep and triggering for some readers...." Read more
"...I felt everything the characters felt. I was heartbroken, angry, frustrated, I felt betrayed and astonished. I just.. so many tears were shed...." Read more
Customers enjoy the complex and relatable characters in the book. They find the story portrayal of a sad story excellent. The emotional connection to the characters and story is well-written, making it easy for readers to feel what the characters experience.
"...It hits you in the heart and makes you really care about the characters." Read more
"...Read in a day, loved the characters development!" Read more
"...The scenes were so vivid, the characters so completely real. I think it might be another lifetime before I feel this way about a book again...." Read more
"...eden is such a beautifully developed character. the writing really hits deep and you feel her agony...." Read more
Customers have different views on the book's pace. Some find it engaging and realistic, getting to the point quickly. Others feel the pacing is slow or rushed, with little closure.
"I enjoyed the pace if the book, it was hard to read in some points, but I made it through...." Read more
"...However, it gives hope you’re not alone. Starts off a little slow in my opinion , but I loved the ending." Read more
"...It gets straight to the point immediately. If you don’t like sad books I probably wouldn’t recommend this, but I thought it was amazing." Read more
"...Im not sure if I was just in a reading slump but it was very slow and took me some time to read...." Read more
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Corner bent
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2021I've read countless books, both for work and pleasure. After a while, the plots and characters start to run together, and the stories I'm reading now become no more memorable than the last. The Way I Used to Be is one of the few books that stand apart from the rest.
The story follows Eden, a sexual assault survivor who just started high school. Her story is told in four parts, starting as a freshman dealing with the crushing pain of being hurt in the worst way by someone she trusted. We watch as she struggles to come to grips with what happened. I read this book when I was the same age as the main character, and my heart still hurts when I think back on that time. As a reader, I'm careful of books like this because they can leave me feeling drained and empty. I was both by the time I finished, but I also felt so much more. It's weird and rare for me to feel proud of a fictional character, but that's what I was. Eden was so well-written. She felt like a friend I'd known my whole life, or maybe even a part of myself, and when she hurt, I hurt. What happens to her and the aftermath of it was hard to read but so worth reading.
As a woman, I've grown up on the cautionary tales of sexual abuse. Where to spot it, how to avoid it, what to do after. Most of my knowledge of sexual assault comes firsthand from friends and family who've experienced it. With this comes ingrained hyperawareness and the naive thought that, despite having never experienced it myself, I understood it. But nothing compares to being inside the head of someone who has lived it. There is so much more that goes on than I could've ever imagined. It was eye-opening and painful because so much of the aftermath is just silent suffering. I can't help but think back to the countless stories I've heard and wonder what parts my friends sugar-coated, or left out completely, for my benefit. It hurts to know that there is nothing I could do for the pain I couldn't see. Though I emphasized with Eden the most, I also felt for her friends and family, because I have played that role before, and I can only hope that I was there for them when they needed me.
I think this is a book that everyone should read, if not for the chance to better understand the thought process and actions of a survivor, then for the simple pleasure of reading a well-written, heartwrenching story with a brave and resilient main character.
- Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2023Slight/minor spoilers.
This book is just...it's just everything. I felt everything the characters felt. I was heartbroken, angry, frustrated, I felt betrayed and astonished. I just.. so many tears were shed. I texted my niece multiple time to tell her what I was feeling. She recommended the book, so I felt it was only fair to share the journey with her as I read it.
Eden is such an impactful character. She goes from a 14 year old bright, shinning, happy young girl to a young woman looking for a way to free herself. Her path was tumultuous and heartbreaking. Each part of the story takes her one step further down a dark road. Seh breaks my heart so many times while simultaneously frustrating me with the decisions she makes. She hurt so many people, but no one more than herself. However, she find her redemption, her key to freedom, and she finds the strength to grab it with both hands, even while those hands were trembling with worry and doubt.
I'm glad that she was able to reunite with her brother and clear the air with Amanda, but I'm sad that the book ended before it showed whether she was able to make amends with Stephen, Mara and even Cameron. I would have at least like to see her and Mara reunite. I also would have liked to read about Kevin getting what he deserved. Maybe an epilouge that showed many months/years into the future for a quick update on everyone. Perhaps Mara and Cameron stayed together and maybe Eden and Josh could have found their way back to one another. The ending was fine, it was just really abrupt and left a lot of questions unanswered.
All-in-all, the book was very good. It hits you in the heart and makes you really care about the characters.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 16, 2025I enjoyed it, however it has triggers some might want to avoid. I personally felt the main characters pain and understood her actions. Looking forward to the 2nd book.
- Reviewed in the United States on February 7, 2025Perfect!!
- Reviewed in the United States on January 1, 2025This book made me cry and feel so many emotions. Truly a great book to read!
Top reviews from other countries
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SofiReviewed in Mexico on February 22, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars 👍🏼👍🏼
Muy buen libro, pero me hizo llorar mucho!!
- LeanneReviewed in Canada on February 20, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars The battle within one self..
Told throughout the different stages of her teenage life, this story brought an immense sense of real/raw emotion. The author was able to create the best possible narrative of the moments throughout the story. As the reader, you were able to understand, envision and FEEL the rollercoaster of emotions. At times I wanted to close the book, throw it but during these times , it’s when you felt the characters heartache, confusion, hurt and more hurt.. the most. I think this novel was steady throughout. Not leaving any questions unanswered (as the story wasn’t about the repercussions ‘per say’) but rather about Eden coming forward; being able to come forward. Definitely a good read. 8.5/10 ⭐️
- Selvi D'SouzaReviewed in India on February 17, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book
Totally recommend!!
Selvi D'SouzaAmazing book
Reviewed in India on February 17, 2025
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- MartynaReviewed in the United Kingdom on November 14, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Emotional read
Incredibly written and covers a very difficult topic.
- Eylül ÖzbekReviewed in Turkey on August 7, 2024
1.0 out of 5 stars Do not buy this book. ‼️‼️‼️
I only could have read 100 pages. I couldn’t finish it.